Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Noah
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
my mind
You just read my mind
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.