If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
#SuperBowl
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.