Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.