My diet was going really well until I woke up.
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“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go