For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
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*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes