When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐