Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
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Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
A dad and his duck
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?