If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
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I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*