If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
You Might Also Like
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries