[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
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when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
If you love someone, let them tweet.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?