And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”