There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
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How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
A game married people play.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Finally, a door that understands me
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Pringles
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.