My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
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Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”