What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.