[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*