All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun