How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.