I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*