Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Writing, She Murdered.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!