Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
*jazz hands*
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price