Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Close call…
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call