ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands