Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
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DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.