host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
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Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Sorry not sorry.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
what
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”