Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.