If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
next question.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.