hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
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I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Hello Twits.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.