Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
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Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
marvel comics have peaked