When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Ha.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.