[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Check your privilege
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.