[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
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i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
2023 was just a warmup
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.