CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Care for your back
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.