Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
You Might Also Like
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.