Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
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ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.