HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
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crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
From my Mom
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question