[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
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SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”