[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
The Backseat Boys
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.