Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
The game has officially changed 😎
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.