Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
“Great, now I have to pee.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.