[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.