Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.