Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
first you must answer his riddles
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too