*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
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If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
SPLOOT