Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.