[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
This made me smile…
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”