I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
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72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.