[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Yup
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia