What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
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Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
shut up and take my money
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“OMGJK” -atheists
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard