I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
You Might Also Like
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.