DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
dutch is not a serious language
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do